In the midst of my daily rush, I find moments that seem to linger like tendril of smoke in the air. This morning, for example, I found myself awakened by an argument I was having with my mother in a dream. I was having accusations thrown at me about the most ridiculous things. My dream mother was saying such nonsensical things that agitated dream me so much it left a bad taste in my limbic system which slowly flooded my muscles with all the chemical byproducts of stress and anger.
Helpless is the only way I feel when my mind and body decide to set the tone of the day to 'BAD' before it's even begun. The remainder of the day was surprisingly good. I spent some time thinking about my dinner with my manager last night. I'm thankful for the people at different stages in their lives present throughout my own life. I feel like they're there to impart wisdom to me in indirect ways. Andy did a sermon on this.. and I think the phenomena was labeled 'providential relationships'.
I'm under the impression that everyone has some positive wisdom to give you. Truthfully, the majority of the time it's not even intentional on their part. I believe that life has a lot to offer an observant person in the fields of what to do, what not to do, and the importance of introspection. Learning about others' lives gives them a chance for them to tell their story, and in turn you start to see patterns in human behavior, the patterns in human normalcy, and the amazing methodology behind the survivors of a human struggle.
And yet here I am still trying to figure out how to slip Lil' Wayne into my wedding.
Maturity: not yet acquired.
You know what defines "normal" for me?
It's switching between hard gangsta rap and fruity korean pop music at work all day.
It's wishing I knew how to lose weight faster and then being angry I'm not faster at running.
It's Jeremy outlining my improvement by using statistics and telling me to quit comparing myself to everyone and their mom as a measure of success.
It's trying harder anyway.
It's eating a quarter pound of bacon and not feeling a shred of guilt.
And watching Star Trek with my head on a warm, tshirt wrapped chest.
It's missing my friends that are transient in my life, because of theirs.
It's embracing the hourglass.
It's being a social moth. As in I seem to love dark places with dim lights and going out only at night.
It's playing the entire album Under the Iron Sea by Kean and finding myself awash in an intense nostalgia I can't shake off.
It's living every moment of singlehood with more purpose knowing it's about to end. It's feeling each day as a single grain in the ridges of my fingers.
It's mentally smashing the hourglass against a glass wall.
It's staring at my face in the vibrating facade of disguised plastic.
It's life. One hour, one minute, one second and one solid piercing moment at a time.
Damn I like to ramble.
I’ve been training like woah for my upcoming races. I think having to intensely focus on something other than wedding plans is really helping me try and stay levelheaded about this whole thing.
Cursing at my shins mid hill sprint helped me get a lot of the stress out.
They mowed the big hill up near the football fields and when I was exhausted I rambled up the side and sat there, staring at the sun behind some big, misty clouds. It was tranquil there, with all the kids sports gone for the day and the lone Korean runner looking small, feet below.
I’ll be back there tomorrow. And the day after. And Saturday morning, with Jeremy.
I have a wonderful newfound appreciation for exercise and eating better. I wish at times my parents hadn’t left healthy activity and eating out from their parenting agenda entirely. I remember my mother trying to tell me how to eat when I was younger but I rarely saw the advice put into practice. This is one thing I will be doing different with my children.
My parents are not going to be happy if I play Lil Wayne at my wedding.
What the heck is the music going to be like? I am so not into rock music, oldies, or the “typical” wedding songs. Watch it wind up being a bunch of 90’s stuff because it’s the only thing we can agree on.
How about Kevin Rudolf’s “I Made It (Cash Money Heroes)?
I look up to the sky
And now the world is mine
I’ve known it all my life
I made it I made it
I used to dream about
The life I’m living now
I know that there’s no doubt
I made it I made it
The rest of the song would make no sense at a wedding but I love those two quatrains.
I am so ghetto.
I did grow up in the ATL, though. 😛
Tomorrow I’ll be sitting in a room signing a contract for the most expensive day of my life. It’s a symbol of the sacrifices we make for the tribe. The cohesive being that is our large family. I value it greatly, I do. And so I will facilitate this event that is so much much more than just the joining of two people. It’s the re-joining of the family, as it is for every wedding. I will never be the person that decides the unity of the extensive family is unimportant. Family is important. Which is why I have to play the balancing game so much. I could just easily let it eat me whole so doing it the reasonable way, the right way, takes some fighting and effort.
J and I were talking in the car while driving back to my house last night. Part of the deal with having a large family, especially an Indian family, is that you’re expected to meet some standards. I’m one of the first cousins to get married in the States. And marry a white guy.
No matter how much I want to pretend it’s not true, people will be eyeing me to see what I do… what standard I set. I’ve tried to set an example. Really. Despite my mistakes, I got a good education, I forged into independence, I’m trying to marry a good guy with matching beliefs who’s also sweet, kind, and understanding. I am painfully aware that no man is an island. As I have been influenced, I too influence. I know there are people out there that I never speak to that I influence. There are those people I haven’t even seen in years that think about me. The opposite is true too. So I have to live my life in a way that reflects my beliefs. I think every good woman deserves happiness in self, a good education, and a good man. That’s what I want people to see: long-suffered thoughts leading to hard fought decisions to do the right things even if it breaks a few molds here and there.
It struck me when this year two people I haven’t spoken since high school really came forward and asked me how they can have my life, basically. With social networks… everyone’s watching.
Women have power too. A gentle, solid, stubborn and loving power. It can get them as much out of life as any man. It’s not a man’s world. At least not where I’ve been so blessedly setup. I have made very few major decisions in my life lightly. But each thing I possess, my freedom, my friends, my spirit and the man I’ve chosen to love.. they make my life feel so doable.
Is it possible to feel like you’re displeasing the God of your parents while fulfilling the purpose of the God of your heart? Are they not one?
Anyway. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being prepared for something.
But like every big thing that doesn’t make sense, it’ll fill itself out and before I know I’ll be flying on wings I didn’t even know I was growing. It’s always a surprise. Knowing I'm essentially broken is what makes each transformation unbelievable and fulfilling in a way I just can't describe in words. The closest description I can come up with… It's a swelling of the soul.
In the case that it's just personal insanity I don't try to understand it. I just let it .. happen.
But.. I know..
I am watching something unfold. I think it’s me.
The last few Saturdays have all been about getting things aligned for the wedding. Jeremy and I couldn't get anything together for this Saturday so after he flew in from Idaho, we have had the entire day together. It's been awesome. Simple and awesome.
There's a new bakery that's opened right down the street from my neighborhood called Hansel & Gretel. It's another one of those European inspired Korean bakeries. I probably shouldn't have eaten anything there. But I did. We went for a run in the park afterwards. We did about 3 miles and then walked the last mile hand in hand. He's way faster than me but I love that. 🙂 I am a whore for competition so I've definitely set beating Jeremy at running as a goal.
He's gonna have to watch out. 🙂
It's already 5pm but I feel restored from this week. I love getting away from work after five days and just enjoying the simple pleasures of being young and unburdened. It feels so good.
Hopefully things will keep going smoothly for our wedding. It will be pretty expensive but I'm willing to sacrifice a little for my mom and dad. They are so hung up on meeting family expectations and I've broken enough molds for the past 12 months. I'll give them this one last thing.
Ami is coming over around 6:30 to go shoe shopping. No, not heels. Runners! I already got a sweet pair but I love walking around Discover Mills so I don't mind accompanying her up there. We'll probably do dinner afterwards. Maybe Vargas will join us since his girlfriend's out of town this weekend.
Did I mention Vargas has a girlfriend? She seems nice.
But this probably means we won't be seeing as much of Vargas. I'll miss the time with him, but its a great thing that he's chillin with Pam. Especially since they've been long time friends. Think 10+ years. I think that's awesome.
🙂 Life's been good today.
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